Manic Depressive.

i am nothing I ever thought I was. I burn anyone who gets too close. I am cold. I am the weakest child. I throw fits, and give lectures and can't even take my own advive. I act wise, and mature. I am foolish. So foolish. I don't have words. I need everything I can't have. So I'm going to sit alone, and conquer this night....eventually I hope that I'll understand

"All these thoughts of getting older are bringing me down, my love. Like a cat in a bag waiting to drown this time I'm coming down. Now the drugs don't work they just make you worse, but I know I'll see your face again."
I am woman and I am annoyed. I am under DeReconstuction. Never the happily crippled. Always the idealistic cynic. In a bind. In a bind. My fury? Simple drips on a page. But these are MY thoughts ripened to completion. MY words hardened to stone. These are MY charming utterances. MY precious fallible creatures. I ache for you Mikki, and lament as your love runs you dry. I think I would like to be the sun. The wind. A single snail. The red flower that breaks my own heart. I think I would like to be a secret. Or the wag of a tail. But as always I am pure, ferocious fire. A young woman whose body is burning. I think I would like to be summer. Or the one who rocked you like a hurricane. But as always I am biding my time. I am a calculated reaction. Hyperbole. Whatever. I've said it all before. Contradiction oozing from my every pore. And I stand here simply reeking. Stinking of envy and dripping with disdain. Barely conscious because I am all too conscious. Desperately connecting the dots of my instability. Today is bright fucking RED. I suppose its only a matter of time before I have become accustomed to this madness. I am always flying off in every different direction. Its just been some time since I have done it alone. I dont want to go on alone without you.

I have all of these words rocketing across my mind. Pretty phrases of hope. Resounding like soft whispers that were magnified by silence. I speak of names greater than mine. I know their stories. I hold secrets in my skin. Stories and words that have been entrusted to me only. I have hope and I have fears. I am young. I am free. I have no desire to end this. My pain makes me real. My body resides in a pecarious position, but it reminds me that I am fallible. My mind snags on my logic. I am always running in circles. I am not mystery. I am pure, pulsing emotion. Crazy, crazy girl. But I can make you feel. I can show you the beauty of a word. I can make you laugh at the worst of life. And when I speak I have something to say. So really, I guess...I'm worth living for. So, I live for me. I live for you.You dont know this. But I live all for you. I can't even direct these words into anything beautiful, but its in my mind. Its in my mind. I am O.K tonight.
I wish tomorrow I could just touch your face. Your morning eyes are glorious.